The Best Way to Know Your Partner: Start Love Mapping!

When couples ask how to stay connected through the years, one of the most powerful ideas I share in my practice is love mapping. This comes from the work of John Gottman and his colleagues. Put simply, a "love map" is the rich mental picture you have of your partner's inner world – their dreams, fears, friendships, history, and everyday life.

As Gottman describes it in his blog: "A detailed Love Map brings perspective to the twists and turns that inevitably enter a marriage." (Source: Gottman Institute)

Why love maps matter

• When you truly know your partner's world, you're better equipped to respond when life gets tough—for example, a career change, family stress or illness. Research shows couples with stronger love maps handle stress and change more resiliently.
• It keeps the friendship alive. Gottman argues that the foundation of a lasting relationship is friendship — and informed, caring curiosity about each other's lives.
• It prevents drift. Years together can lull us into thinking we "already know" our partner. But people change: preferences, friendships, stresses shift. Updating your love map is an intentional way to keep up.

What kind of details does a love map cover?

It ranges from lighter to deeper: favourite film, best friend, recent worries at work, a dream they've never voiced. It includes past, present and future elements. As one summary says: "the part of your brain where you store the blueprint of your partner's personal information, such as their goals and dreams, favorites and fears, stressors and successes."

How you can start building yours together

Here are some gentle prompts you can use as a couple:

• Pick a random moment and ask one another: "What's been the best thing that happened this week for you? And the hardest?"
• Ask open-ended questions like: "If you could pick one thing you'd like to change about your work or day-to-day life, what would it be — and why?"
• Make a light game of it: There are "love map" questionnaires inspired by Gottman's work. One includes questions such as "What stresses is my partner currently facing?" or "What are my partner's favourite ways to relax?"
• Update regularly. Don't treat it like a "one-and-done" task. Just as your partner evolves, so should the map you keep of them.

Love mapping for a lifetime

Putting in the effort to build and update your love map isn't only for the early honeymoon phase. It's an investment for a lifetime. When you've got that deep awareness of each other, you're better placed to navigate change, to repair when things go off track, and to feel more connected in day-to-day life.

As one expert puts it: "Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world … They remember the major events in each other's history, and they keep updating their information as their spouse's world changes."