It's Not About Changing Your Partner — It's About Getting to Know Them

When couples come to counselling, one of the most common hopes I hear is, "I just want them to change."

It's an understandable wish. You see the patterns, the habits, or the reactions that hurt the relationship, and you imagine how much better things could be if only they were different.

But here's the gentle truth: relationships don't thrive when we try to change our partner — they grow when we learn to understand them.

Change through understanding, not control

When we focus on changing someone, even with good intentions, it can sound like, "You're not enough as you are." That message — spoken or unspoken — usually leads to resistance and defensiveness.

But when we shift to curiosity — "Help me understand why this matters to you," or "Tell me what this feels like for you" — something opens up. We stop fighting against each other and start exploring with each other.

Understanding doesn't mean agreeing. It means making space for both realities to exist.

The power of curiosity

Try this simple shift in mindset:

Instead of asking, "Why can't you just…?"
ask, "Can you help me understand what this is like for you?"

That question alone changes the tone of a conversation. It replaces frustration with empathy. And when people feel understood, they often feel safer to grow and adjust naturally — not out of pressure, but out of connection.

Relationships are built on knowing, not fixing

Think back to when you first met your partner — how curious you were about their stories, dreams, and quirks. Over time, familiarity can make us assume we already know them. But people change. Their needs evolve, and so do ours.

So rather than saying, "You always…" or "You never…", try approaching your partner as if you're getting to know them all over again. Ask about what's been hard for them lately, or what's bringing them joy.

Staying curious keeps love alive.

When you stop trying to win, you both start to heal

Many couples discover that the peace they were searching for comes not from resolution, but from recognition.

When you see your partner clearly — their fears, hopes, and humanity — you can meet them where they are, not where you wish they'd be.

That's where intimacy begins: not in changing the other person, but in really seeing them.